Melany

          “Anxiety has become alarmingly common, diagnosed and undiagnosed, since my assaults. The idea of, “it’s okay not to be okay,” is said in a judgmental tone. “Out of sight, out of mind.” I should be over it by now - or so I was told. But I’m not, I realized, and that is in part because I have been made to believe I can’t talk about it.

          Isn’t it scary to think we all are going through something, good or bad, and a large part of why we can never fully experience it is because we avoid fully discussing it? I didn’t believe in anxiety. I was made to believe it was something you brought upon yourself. A figure of your imagination. Then, it wasn’t. I felt like I was drowning at the bottom of the ocean screaming for help, but no one could hear me. I was kicking and flailing trying to swim to the top, but a weight held me down. There was a large boulder on my chest that made it hard to breathe and I gasped for air, but I could feel my last breath coming soon. I was afraid. I was ashamed. I refused to admit #MeToo.

          Disillusioned and terrified of what owning my past would mean for my future, I was in denial. Then, I realized something — You could hide your feelings, stifle your emotions and hide from your past or you could express your feelings, discuss your emotions and face your past. The past is just that — it’s in the past. Let the lessons it taught you lead you to wiser decisions in the future. Let the ugly you experienced allow for beauty to come down the road. Dwelling on the negative only prolongs the positive from occurring.

          My healing process is still very much in the works, but I am proud to say: I am a survivor. I am coping. I am healing. And most of all, it is okay that #MeToo applies to me. Everyday isn’t easy, but every day is a new day - And a new day means a new chance at a new beginning. Some days are harder than others in remembering this new beginning is possible and for when those days come I have my lotus. This past summer I decided to have a lotus flower tattooed on the inside of my left foot - The left foot because it is closer to my heart and the inside because this is for me, not for anyone else. A lotus is a beautiful flower that grows in old, muddy water - A true testament to believing in new beginnings because beauty can come from anything.” –Melany, 20