Where do I go From Here?
Sexual violence falls on the list of topics that are not acceptable to discuss in public. Therefore, survivors are left in isolation to deal with the aftermath of their assault. One out of every six American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime, and the same holds true for one out of every thirty-three American men. Based on current statistics, that means that on the University of Michigan campus there are approximately 7,000 survivors of sexual assault. We walk by them on the diag, sit by them in class, and live in the same buildings as some of them, and we might not even know it. To get a better understanding of what survivors are feeling, I have asked those on this campus to take me on a journey through their healing process by explaining an object or activity that brought them comfort. By giving these survivors a forum to express themselves, and the freedom to do it in whatever way they want, I am trying to emphasize that everyone’s experience is different. There isn’t one strict definition of what counts, or doesn’t count, as sexual assault.
When people experience physical trauma, it is easy to document the healing process. Take a bruise, for example. It starts out bright red, transitions to a dark blue or purple color, on to a pale green, and then to yellow or brown. By observing the color of the bruise, one can estimate how much longer it will take to be healed. Because the bruise is visible, others see it and confirm that it is indeed a bruise. Emotional trauma, unlike physical trauma, does not work the same way. The extent of what we know about emotional trauma comes from what survivors tell us, and this is limited. From a young age, we are taught that some behaviors and emotions are acceptable in public, while others are only acceptable in a private space. Those resulting from trauma break the mold of what we consider “normal” and are pushed into the private sphere.
With such high rates of sexual violence in the United States, one would think that it would be much more evident in the media. However, this only occurred recently when the #MeToo movement began. Survivors shared the kinds of victim-blaming they endured, and one of the questions that was asked most often is, “well, if it was so bad, then why didn’t you report it?” The answer is simple. The aftermath of this trauma is experienced differently by everyone. It cannot be neatly defined, or measured based on physical properties. It all happens on the inside. Because of this, survivors are the only ones who have the ability to explain what it feels like. Yet, they are ignored, shamed, and questioned.
Survivors are starting to stand up and speak out about their experiences in hopes that someday we can live in a world where sexual violence does not affect people on the scale that it does today. The survivors who so bravely share their stories below are part of this wave of change.
*trigger warning: the content of this piece may be hard for some people to read
*names of the survivors have been changed