Ellie

          "I did not realize I had been sexually assaulted until the next morning. This fateful night occurred in the summer between my junior and senior year of high school. I woke up confused, uneasy and feeling utterly disgusting. The one amazing indicator of the lingering trauma of my assault is that, despite my immense intoxication, I cannot forget a single second of it. My assault occurred almost 3 years ago and I did not find the right words to process that night until months following. I did not tell anybody for a long time, the words my close friend uttered to me, “Yeah, he’s kind of a rapist when he’s drunk,” echoing in my head each time I felt closer to reaching out. I was embarrassed. Angry. Internally struggling with blame, shame and guilt. I did not understand that this was typical for a survivor, to internally invalidate their own experiences based on the stigmas attached to assault culture.

          The only true therapy I found was though empowering speech and solidarity. In a brief moment of courage at the beginning of my college experience, I disclosed to my entire pledge class of my sorority that I was a survivor of sexual assault, not only making myself known but inadvertently making myself a resource for them if they had similar experiences to my own. I spoke to them personally, whispering the details of my worst night for the first time. Finally, this past summer, I took to writing down my story. I only write pieces at a time but each chunk I add frees my mind a little more from the loop of flashbacks I get.

          This google document is titles “don’t read” and I only come to it in moments of bravery. It is written in the style of an op ed and I hope that when I finish it and can process it as a whole, I’ll find the courage to post it. It empowered me to share my story at the Panhellenic Peer Educator speakout into a microphone with the Greek Life community watching and although I had that moment of solidarity and bravery, I had a panic attack when consensually hooking up with a man because of the flashbacks this had encouraged. I find that knowing that it is there, knowing that as I heal and as I add a few lines at a time, I can continue to strengthen and to share my experience.

          My google doc, despite its title, is empowering. I don’t want to read it until I have finished writing it and when I do, I want to know that I have empowered myself as a survivor. I want it to liberate me from the shaming silence I had burrowed into for several years and I want to, on my own terms, fully free myself from the stigmas and stereotypes that still burden my coping process. The ability to type “don’t read” into the heading was the first leap of faith and I remember staring blankly at the document for a long time- praying my story would tell itself. The words that have so far covered 2 pages lead me to accept that I did not do anything wrong and I am a survivor who has the courage to share her story, fight back against the culture that condones sexual assault and rape and can be shared to empower other survivors and allies through solidarity and sharing." - Ellie, 19